The New Millenium News

Read the news before it happens
Volume: MM                                                                                                          Happy New
Number: 1                                                                                                               Millenium

January 1, 2001

LOCAL NEWS                   NATIONAL NEWS                                SPORTS
House Balances Budget
State House -- 
      Speaker of the House Whitey Bulger today announced that a deal had been reached with Governor Joe (Bananas) Malone which would balance the state budget by the year 2010. According to Bulger, "We made him an offer he couldn't refuse." 

Cablevision to add 100 new channels this year 
Boston -- 
     Finding a loophole in the recent FCC regulations, Cablevision has announced that it has found a way to deliver an additional 100 new cable channels through the unused 25 channel slots. With the addition of the new QuadLink® software, each channel slot will be split into four rotating channels. 
     For example, from 12 midnight to 6AM channel 105 would be showing The Sleeping Channel, featuring soothing background music and the latest tips on improving your sleep habits. Then at 6AM, Quadlink would automatically switch it to The Breakfast Channel, featuring award-winning recipes from the world's greatest chefs. At noon the Walking Channel will teach you how to get more out of your walking regime. At 6PM The Planning Channel would offer tips on how to plan your daily activities more efficiently. Users can change the sequence of rotating channels by modifying their user profile from the main menu. 


Ken Starr interviews Chelsea
Washington -- 
       Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr announced today that his office has interviewed Chelsea Clinton concerning the allegations which were made public over the Internet last year that President Clinton had made improper remarks while changing her diaper when she was 18 months old. Although barred from commenting by a gag order, the White House issued a statement that it doubts that Chelsea would have remembered anything at that age. 
      According to sources close to the investigation, Starr is confident that the new technique of age regression via EST would spark Chelsea's memory. Considering the fact that Ms. Clinton has complete her college education and already has been hired as a medical intern, they downplayed any possible risk  to her current mental functioning. 
     At a press conference last year, President Clinton responded to the allegations by saying, "I swear to God, the only thing I said was, 'Whew, what have you been eating, girl?'" 
Celtics sign God,$B Pact
Boston -- 
       In a suprise announcement this morning, Boston Celtics G.M. disclosed that the Boston Celtics have signed God to play guard for the remainder of the NBA season. According to Celtics CEO Red Auerbach,      "This was our only chance to stay competitive in the current lineup. I feel our chances are good for a winning season with the addition of a class player like God." 
     At an afternoon conference to confirm the signing, Celtics Coach Dee Brown said, "Finally, we have a possibility of containing (Chicago Bulls Michael) Jordan. We hope to hold him to less than 20 points per game." When asked whether the NBA rules could cover God using his mystical powers, Brown stated that, "According to the NBA contract and rules, God will have to shoot from inbounds and the ball must remain visible at all times." 
     Although attempts to reach God for comment were unsuccessful, he did issue a press release via fax before sunset today. Voicing confidence in the Celtics organization, he addressed the issue of salary, which was rumored to be in the range of $1B. "What do I need with money? All of my salary will be donated (after taxes of course) to my favorite charity, The Israel Fund. Yea, it is right and meet to do so. I have great confidence in everyone in the the Celtics organization and look forward to getting into the playoffs." 
                           Photo: Page 2