High-speed Holiness
by
Professor Revilo P. Oliver (August 1991)
If you are
a Christian—well, if you are, I can't imagine why you are reading Liberty
Bell unless you have a touch of the masochism celebrated in the tales about
martyrs, but whatever your reason, you must be secure in an unsinkable Faith, so
I will bring you tidings of great joy.
You no
longer have to strain your eyes and police your mind while reading your favorite
book. An electronic miracle, doubtless inspired by Jesus or his dad, now will
enable you to get instructions right from the boss in the twinkling of an eye.
It is a wonderful device that might fit into a pocket of your coat and would
certainly go into any woman's handbag. It is a little larger than your hand and
is illustrated in the catalogue I have before me, where two pages of lyrical,
but disjointed and sometimes solecistic, prose assure you that it will give you
"instant insight and understanding" of all the problems of human life
by "unleashing [sic] a vast
wealth of timeless knowledge" that you can, "with the speed of a
microchip" and just by touching a button, "effortlessly...integrate [sic]
into your everyday life."
In the
Electronic Bible the entire text of your Holy Book is recorded on a disk, and by
using a tiny keyboard, you can bring up on the screen any passage you want or,
by stating a subject, every passage that pertains to the word you have entered.
You can get instantly "authoritative information" on (believe it or
not!) "psychology... history, cultural anthropology, music, literature,
communication, and even law"!
The vendor
promises that since "we live in a Judeo-Christian society" [yes,
that's the Hell of it!] in which everything is "based firmly on the
Bible," the godly machine will answer all your questions and solve all your
problems about family life, your business activities, and your environment, to
say nothing of giving you "immense [sic]
knowledge about human values, ethics, philosophy, and more."
So here,
dear Christian, is your chance to start for Heaven on an express train, and
while you relax in cushioned comfort, all your thinking will be done for you.
Rush a cheque for $249.00 + $6.00 postage to DAK (Drew Alan Kaplan) Industries,
8200 Remmet Avenue, Canoga Park, California (91304).
The
machine will mark and save favorite passages for you, do arithmetical
calculations, and even act as an alarm clock. So send your cheque right away as
an earnest of your pious Faith. Jesus will love you for it. So will the
manufacturer.
This article originally appeared in Liberty Bell magazine, published monthly by George P. Dietz since September 1973. For subscription information please write to Liberty Bell Publications, Post Office Box 21, Reedy WV 25270 USA; or call 304-927-4486.